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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24696409">Wretched Wings</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adoakrabley/pseuds/Adoakrabley'>Adoakrabley</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bandaging, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Comfort, Fluff, Kintsugi, M/M, Mention of Death, Post liberio, Sexual Tension, Shaving, Sparring, Vague relationship, because Levi, cursing, just old men in love okay? disgusting, taking care of each other, very self indulgent</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:08:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,833</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24696409</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adoakrabley/pseuds/Adoakrabley</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><i>The curse of having these wretched wings is that I have to keep flying till I bleed out</i> -After Liberio, Levi evaluates what he fights for. He wonders if he were here, could he tell him in better words.</p><p>A vignette of some moments Levi spent with Erwin through their decade together, and an uncertain Levi trying to find his way through hell in his own head without him.</p><p> </p><p>  <b>p.s: looks angsty but trust me it’s soft™ with a little angst- cuz it’s eruri</b></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Levi/Erwin Smith</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>123</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Wretched Wings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So I've actually written something of significance in year because eruri have been living in my head rent free 24/7. Just a psa that even though I've tried to keep it as close to canon plotline as possible, there are some mistakes. So, if you notice some discrepancies, please pretend that you didn't. Enjoy !</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>The forest still rang hollow, no matter how much of life they brought out here.</p><p>It was too silent out here. The cot wasn’t comfortable, Levi had spent close to a month and still couldn’t make it feel like home. The constant presence of-<em> that bastard </em>- sending pinpricks of annoyance- and wariness- up his neck might have played a role in it too. The men were getting impatient- he wasn’t present there himself but he could feel political unrest within the walls- the citizens- the military itself.</p><p>There was a big storm ahead- he could feel it prickling his skin.</p><p>The dinner didn’t settle well in his stomach. Nor could he bother himself with the drunken shenanigans of his men- they were too complacent.<em> I can’t really ask them to stop enjoying themselves </em>. He had come back to his bare room right away, placed himself against the pillows and decided to watch the stars. He wondered if the lack of human presence conserved their luminosity- their purity. He wondered if he could find a place where they shone the brightest.</p><p>After Liberio he was unsure what it exactly meant to fight for humanity. Surprising thing was, he cared less to figure it out day by day.</p><p>There was deep set weariness in his<em> old </em> bones. He had his fair share of bloodshed- caused most of it. <em> I just want this to be over </em> - he wanted to say. But what <em> this </em> was he didn’t know. Levi never resented killing for his convictions. He held human life in high regard, but it never surpassed his own gains- humanity’s gains. He didn’t know if he was rightful in his vindications, but he’d never waver from a decision he made, nor would he find excuses.</p><p>Liberio was such a decision, aiding Eren in flattening a city, killing people- <em> innocent people </em> - was his decision. He would stand by them, he would take responsibility. But Levi couldn’t stop wondering, <em> if there was even a point </em> . Do they- all of them keep jumping into a battle of power- freedom and retribution- to prove the previous lives lost were not in vain by losing more? Erwin had once screamed at him that- <em> we died because we didn’t know </em>. </p><p>Well, now they knew. Sasha was still dead.</p><p>What they knew was the world wanted them gone- <em> unwanted was what he felt most of his life </em> - they had no option but to fight back- <em> like most of his life </em>. Levi got a revision of the facts that he already knew- that the world was cruel, that being innocent would never keep you safe in a blind brawl of hunger. Levi learned a few new facts- that while they gave their hearts to save the last of humanity, humanity longed for the day they’d see their last.</p><p>He didn’t have the strength to fight the world- he couldn’t imagine what that would entail. Nor did he have the spinelessness to cower at their feet- keel over and die.</p><p>
  <em> I owe it to the people who believe in me. To fight. As long as my wings are unbroken. </em>
</p><p>Honestly, he had been preparing for something like this for a long long time- didn’t make it easier- but it wasn’t a total surprise. From the day Reiner, Berthold and Ymir slipped through their hands, there was a sense of foreboding that told them the enemy was much more unknown- and severe- than they could comprehend before, and a clash was imminent. <em> They were able to put a face to their enemy- still drowned in the sea of never knowing what they needed to. </em> Somewhere along the way it had become much easier to pretend there was a divine power at play to keep them inside the walls. <em> When you see humans- comrades kill your own- it gets harder to keep up pretenses </em>. The day Erwin lost his arm, they had known they would have to prepare for a war. And the calm before it, was unsettling-</p><p> </p><p>A sunny morning; fine, scenic- calm morning.</p><p>Levi balanced two steaming cups of tea on a tray- <em> black tea </em> - down the hallway. He wasn’t in a haste, there was a slow day ahead. Too slow for comfort but Levi wouldn’t bark at a blessing. <em> No matter how leery he is </em>.</p><p>The hallway deserted, just Levi’s heeled boots tapping lightly against the wooden floor echoed out throughout. The ends of his hair hadn’t completely dried from the early morning shower. <em> Bothersome- </em> he thought of the lone droplet that went past the edge of the tray. The place was well lit, even under the soft rays of the morning sun. The walls though- chipped and moldy; comparatively shiny floors did give Levi a trickle of hope. The soot in the lanterns hadn’t been cleaned out in this place, not for a long time; so hasn’t the ceiling. Levi swallowed down his itch to look at it, opting to instead to look straight ahead- <em> I won’t have to come back here in a few days anyways </em>- at the door he had come for. The room being used as an infirmary.</p><p>He hadn’t waited long for the soft knock to be answered before bracing the tray against the door and twisting the handle. The room wasn’t as bright as it was out in the windowed hallway, casting a faint menacing shadow of him in front. It was lit enough for Levi to see the neatly made bed-<em> except the pillow still with a dip in the middle- </em> where his eyes darted to first and then to find Erwin standing at the mirror. <em> He’s up already </em>.</p><p>Levi walked in, “You are making a mess.” he commented, at Erwin who stood in front of the mirror with half his face covered in suds; a few attempts at a clean swipe of a razor evident in shaky lines through it. “Hmm-” the response sounded non-committal. Erwin had already started another attempt, clumsy and uncoordinated.<em> He doesn’t want me to pay attention to him. </em>Levi watched him try for a second before putting the tray on the table by the window. He pulled the curtain aside, opened it up and walked to Erwin to simply pluck the razor from Erwin's hand.</p><p>“Cut the crap, you suck at this.”</p><p>“I’ll have to start learning.”</p><p>Levi eyed the small cut by his jaw-<em> You can’t learn to be left-handed in a week, stubborn man- </em></p><p>“Not today.”</p><p>Thus, Levi found himself behind a seated Erwin- <em> not a word more of persuasion needed </em> - who was waiting. A small wet towel resting on Erwin’s shoulder, standard issue razor held in one hand, spreading soap-cream of some sort from a bottle on Erwin’s cheeks, throat and jaw with another. <em> I wouldn’t have had to worry about shaving this soon </em>, Levi thinks but the guy grew hair quick judging by the harsh stubble. Not that he’d ever had any opportunity to observe that before- he had never seen him that out of his depth.</p><p>Levi roamed his hands around gently, to coat it all of course; around the curve of his jaw, the thin skin of his throat, carefully getting above his upper lip. The coarse texture wasn’t something he had felt usually- <em> other than when I touch up my undercut </em> , and definitely not from Erwin. He could feel the eyes on him as he worked, he knew if he looked there would be bright blue eyes staring right back at him. He wasn’t sure if he wanted that; and he <em> looked </em>.</p><p>And <em> he was right </em>.</p><p>Levi wiped his hand on the towel, trying to get the grip of the razor to <em> shave </em>someone. Erwin took the liberty to lean more against Levi’s chest. The stool didn’t offer much support in any case. But it did cause Levi to look down again.</p><p>“Do you like to feel tall?” Erwin always said this whenever he found himself under eye level to Levi. With a patronizing glint in eyes to boot. Something about Levi secretly liking to look down on people. <em> It shows in the way you like to talk to people with your chin tilted up, Levi </em>. And like always, Levi never dignified that with an answer.</p><p>“I could also shave these overgrown eyebrows off your face-” He said- <em> threatened </em> - and he did, Levi did, with hands resting on Erwin’s shoulders, think his eyebrows were quite overgrown- <em> thick </em> . “Do they bother you Levi?” The sudden drop in volume in his voice hardly registered Levi’s mind because of the familiarity to it, the edge of the words had smoothed out- <em> softened </em> - and Levi found himself bouncing the question around in his head. <em> Do his eyebrows really bother me? </em> He settled on, “No.”</p><p>“Then no.” An upturn of his lips looked easy and ridiculous. He did basically have a beard of white at that moment. <em> Self-satisfied bastard. </em></p><p>Levi got to work. He was met with a shudder, “That’s cold.”</p><p>Levi ignored it in favor of swiping down experimentally, pleased to see it result in a clean shave. It was hard to gauge how soft or how hard to press when it’s not your own skin which you can’t feel. <em> Or skin you’re not actively trying to cut through. </em> But after a while, Levi got the feel for it. Swipe with small, sharp strokes; wipe the razor clean on the towel; do it again.</p><p>“It feels different when someone else does it. I think it’s because I can’t anticipate the touch.”</p><p>“Mhmm.” Levi started on the side of his face, not sure how much of the side-burn to keep.<em> Eh, it will grow back </em> . The room was less stuffy by now and Levi felt the humble presence of fresh breeze. It let him breathe freely. <em> As free as you can with someone else breathing your air </em>. With his sides shaved- satisfactory- the turn of the wrist came easy by then, half his face was done already. Erwin continued to fill the air between them with chatter,</p><p>“I don’t think I have ever seen you shave.”</p><p>“Hgn”</p><p>“Black stubble would be quite noticeable.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>Levi found himself quite annoyed for how carefully he was trying to do this, Erwin would not stop talking. <em> I don’t think he realizes how hard it is to shave skin that is moving. </em>“The drag-”</p><p>“Can you shut up before I cut you?” Erwin complied quickly swallowing whatever words that were about to surface and promptly closed his mouth. Levi continued in silence. The breaths falling against his palms now getting center stage in his senses. Warmth seeped through two layers between Erwin’s bicep, the stump left of his right hand and Levi’s stomach. His hair matted and coarse- <em> without that shit he uses to keep it “tidy” </em> - under his hand placed there to steady him. Erwin’s eyes that <em> followed </em> him through it all.</p><p>Wasn’t Erwin the one who was supposed to feel exposed? Under a microscope?</p><p>Levi moved down to his throat, subtly coaxing his chin up, thumbing the skin around before scraping down. The pulse point hummed under his blade. Such thin skin, the veins stood out against his pale skin, they <em> thrummed </em> with life. One wrong move- <em> no </em> - one <em> purposeful </em> move and-</p><p>It really wasn’t the time to ponder the ramifications of <em> trust </em> in their world. Of how much he had of Erwin Smith and how much of it he would reciprocate; if only asked to.</p><p>“I could kill you right now.” He didn’t know if he spoke it out to Erwin specifically or wondered out loud. <em> I’m sure he realizes it too </em>.</p><p>Erwin didn’t reply. He seemed to have taken the command to shut up seriously. Or felt he didn’t have to respond to absurd- but correct observations. Maybe he felt that Levi realising, or rather just noticing it as a matter of fact was <em> funny. </em> He moved his hands to look at Erwin this time, and as expected he was looking at him with amusement. As if to say, You could kill me any time, anywhere with your skill.</p><p>
  <em> You could have killed me a hundred times over by now. </em>
</p><p>The towel was positively dirty by the time Levi finished. His head, uncannily dizzy from leaning down- <em> not a significant amount </em> - or from the way he had started getting conscious of even exhaling. The sun was more aggressive than when he came in; morning had truly begun. He walked back to his place behind Erwin, giving his hands and blade the final wipe down before taking the towel off Erwin’s shoulder, replacing it with his elbow; a thumb stroking against his cheekbone. <em> It’s smooth </em> . Levi looked back at him through the mirror. <em> He’s back to being at least half the man he is. </em></p><p>“Thank you,” Erwin said. <em> For doing this, for being with me right now, for everything </em>.</p><p>They looked at each other. Erwin closed his eyes and Levi found something to look at to his right.</p><p>Erwin leaned against his palm, Levi let him.</p><p>He felt an exhausted sigh against his skin- maybe not. He felt a kiss on his fingers- <em> maybe not </em>.</p><p>Levi ran a hand through his hair, just barely. It always felt better without gunk. But Levi would prefer it the other way. He eyed the deserted cups, “Our tea got cold.”</p><p>And for the next, numerous times-<em> everyday </em>- Erwin had asked him to shave him down, as he said, Levi had never felt the need to remind him that he could already draw portraits with his left hand.</p><p> </p><p>There were a lot of things they didn’t remind each other of. A lot of things they didn’t say. Sometimes words weave themselves inside intent silence- when there’s a decade of it in between. The silence changed face, changed meaning through the years and one day, words become obsolete. </p><p>The first time that he had met Erwin, all of his words burned his skin, no matter how benevolent they were.<em> I’m sure he didn’t appreciate the earnest death threats as well </em>. There was distrust, the risk of a dagger at the back. Levi would always hiss at the first appearance of a stranger, slice first and then talk. Erwin had never lost his patience with him for it.</p><p>The survey corps were full of heretics, sometimes Levi thought of them as downright suicidal. Adamant on making their sacrifices count to bring humanity to new horizons. But Levi knew these- just a couple of them really if compared to the whole population- were symbols of humanity’s thirst for freedom. </p><p>They were junkies getting high on the gust of free air. Jumped to their deaths chasing that sensation- fear clear on their faces. And he had just been asked to lend his strength- help sustain their addiction. </p><p>Erwin however- followed something else- something outside this vague idea of freedom. He seemed to know why exactly he screamed on his horse- riding outside the gate. He seemed to be after something no one had a clue about. Like he saw something beyond the unsightly titans and the empty horizon. </p><p>Levi wanted to know what he saw as well- so he had chosen to follow him, to know him. to learn him, claw at the depths of his being and come up with full hands. He dug out what made him zone out- what made him so passionate- what was<em> his dream </em>- Levi liked to believe he understood the man as much as he did him back. To the point words were overrated, just insignificant- but decadent comfort.</p><p>But back when it was all new, it was difficult to understand him-</p><p> </p><p>“This shit looks expensive.”</p><p>“Well, it <em> is </em> my betrothal present.” Levi scowled. The idea- <em> the idea itself </em> - left a bad taste in his mouth. <em> Don’t fuck around </em> . Erwin understood the joke was a poor choice quite easily- he <em> was </em> known for being observant, Levi supposed- he brushed it off with an almost there shrug, “You hardly have belongings in the room. I thought it’d be a nice gift.” He said eyeing the barren side of the room- Levi’s side. Levi supposed it was true, he never had a liking for trinkets. A gift- <em> I don’t want to be a position of debt or gratitude </em>- a gift was less ridiculous but filled his stomach with unease nonetheless.</p><p>The gift in question was a ceramic tea cup set of four, now out of their paper packaging. The reason Levi had guessed them expensive-<em> and by association unacceptable </em>- was the gold. </p><p>The saucers were absent. The cups themselves were unremarkable, blue floral motif on white you could find on the shelves of comfortably affluent housewives. Something Levi could also see himself pondering to buy- <em> the standard issue cups left much to be desired, more so when he could have fancy tea now </em> - with his now steady salary and enjoy. What caught the eye was the random webbing of gold. <em> It meant that it cost more than what I have held in my lifetime </em>. </p><p>It was late afternoon, when Levi returned to their room from the kitchen with a kettle full of freshly brewed tea that Erwin suddenly remembered to hand him a box. He smiled as he did so-<em> amicably </em> . Sat by Levi as if he wanted to watch his reaction to it. Levi didn’t like to be watched like that- <em> more so when it’s so hard to get a good read on this guy </em> - he still neatly opened up the brown paper- he hated tearing, <em> wasting </em> it- feeling skittish, cautious, <em> unsettled </em> as he did so. <em> Ah, it’s cups </em> . Then he saw they were <em> fancy </em> cups.</p><p>They felt heavy in his hands as he observed them, burned his hands with the <em> weight- </em> with the price- the <em> implications </em> . The warm glow of the candles cast a golden cloak of light over them, masking the exact color of the cups, but Levi- he could see well in the dark- <em> years of practice- </em> and he deemed them pure white. The blue-navy motifs were as simple as they can be, six petal flowers drawn geometrically. The other designs- markings- <em> cracks? </em> - of gold covered the whole cups, but not two had the same. It didn’t also look like they collaborated with the blue either, went their own way. They shone in the warm toned light in the room. it looked like the liquid flow of force- <em> like it trailed the traces of breakage </em>- it looked like natural fracture.</p><p>Lightning of gold.</p><p>“It’s called the art of kintsugi, to give a new life to broken pottery.” Erwin said from the other side of the table, it startled Levi- <em> only slightly </em>- he had forgotten about Erwin’s presence. Now that he remembered- </p><p>“You don’t have to buy me shit.” <em> Just because we- it doesn’t mean anything- </em></p><p>He won’t be in the business of giving or receiving. Of expectations and paybacks- <em>attachments- </em>and delusions.</p><p>Levi let the cup in his hand down on the table- <em> as gently as he could </em> - and tried to look at Erwin. <em> I can’t be on a different page than him. We aren’t made for such games- </em> “I didn’t.” Erwin said, looking right at him. He excelled at communicating non-verbally quite clearly- <em> he chooses to let go of the mask sometimes- </em> and he looked reassuring. <em> As if to say I understand who we are, Levi </em>. He continued while reaching towards the kettle, “It’s the courtesy of an acquaintance.”</p><p>“I just thought you’d- you could appreciate them better than me.”</p><p>
  <em> Oh. </em>
</p><p>Levi stopped Erwin from lifting up the kettle with his hands over the other’s. Erwin looked up- in question<em> - </em> maybe even in surprise or amusement, a tiny bit of annoyance? <em> Now what, Levi? </em> Or just uncertainty <em> - You could never tell with him- </em>and Levi just shook his head, “The cups are filthy.” he grimaced. </p><p>That made Erwin laugh.</p><p>His voice was like him- <em> large- </em>and it filled the room, carefree and boisterous. It echoed the corners and mingled with the warmth of the shaky flames and just like that, the air was warmer. Levi breathed better.</p><p>“I’m pretty sure they aren’t soiled enough to call <em> filthy, </em> they look clean.” The leftovers of laughter still cling onto his face- <em> the corner of his eyes </em> - he didn’t move his hand. Used his thumb to brush against Levi’s knuckles instead. Provided him grounding to acknowledge their existence was as simple as can be- if they wanted. <em> You can choose to walk beside me instead of following, that only means we can lean on each other when weary </em>. And Levi took it.</p><p>“They are filthy.” he said finally, a few moments past, taking out his clean handkerchief and using the inner- <em> cleaner </em>- part of the pleat to wipe off two of the cups. Erwin served the tea.</p><p>They sipped their tea slowly, looking out into the dark through the window. The candle was gradually dimming with every flickr. Levi found that he didn’t mind- <em> neither did Erwin </em>- the moon was beautiful that night. Levi had always found tea very soothing. Mild, warm, fragrant it calmed his senses down and gave him something to focus on. Sharing this with someone felt rewarding too. Levi felt his shoulders sag, the fatigue of the day melting away- the background static in his mind lulled and he sighed softly.</p><p>Erwin started talking again, “I found a collection of books from abandoned homes of Oriental families, from decades ago. They were just collecting dust. I went through them as soon as I got my hands on them, old science- geography- some of them about art. I’ve been told by my acquaintance they were about art- I- couldn't read some of them.”</p><p>Levi snapped to look at Erwin, but he was still looking ahead, out the window, “He could make sense of some of it from pictures and a few books or words he understood. He was very grateful- man is an insane artisan.” Erwin chuckled lowly, “So he sent me these cups he restored as thank you.”</p><p>“So what, he broke these cups and glued them together with gold?” </p><p>“No! That would go against the philosophy of the art of kintsugi.” Erwin finally turned back to him, he looked appalled by the very idea. He started, “It’s not a word I’ve heard before but I read up on it from his research.” Erwin usually, while talking made sure to make eye contact with the listeners. He was a great speaker- he had a position and image to uphold. But sometimes, at times like this his eyes glossed over, they shone and he used his hands more. <em> He stops thinking so much </em> and just- speaks.</p><p>“It’s about resourcefulness, throwing broken objects isn’t the only option, one can choose to embrace its flaws; turn it into something more beautiful than before. It represents healing and growth.” </p><p>Erwin went silent after taking a breath. <em> He looks like he wants to say more </em>. Levi never took his eyes off him, just brought the cup to his lips again. In the dim light of the night Erwin understood that was an invitation, Levi was asking him to continue. He smiled.</p><p>“The origins of it came from an accident, or so the books portray. An oriental king had broken his favorite tea bowl. Rather than letting it go, he demanded and looked for ways for it to be repaired. He had it sent to a nation known for its advanced forms of art for it to be fixed-” Erwin liked to talk about things he found interesting.</p><p> “But to his disappointment, it came back stapled together with metal. The king was saddened. It was when the local artisans took up the job-” He talked a lot, at times, if it was the right time and topic. “They came up with a way to join the cracks with lacquer-” but he always stopped, midway- slowly pulling away. <em> As if he was conscious about something </em>. </p><p>“Then dusted it with gold, turned it into a jewel more unique and valuable than before.” As if he was wary of talking too much.<em> Of</em> <em>giving away too much</em>.</p><p>Erwin looked right down into his, what Levi would presume an empty tea cup. Brows knitted he seemed to be thinking about something. His eyes were always unsettlingly wide- something Levi still hadn’t grown accustomed to- like he was always mid-realisation. It was more prominent now, his lips parted and he sighed, spoke softly, “I wonder how much of human creation like this was lost, because of the <em> titans. </em> ” He sounded rightfully bitter, “I wonder how much we still don’t <em> know </em>.” He whispered, barely audible.  </p><p>The man known as the devil had demons of his own. Levi would bet on it. <em> You don’t run into the wilderness carrying the weight of your comrade’s corpses without something wretched or pure clawing away at your very existence </em> . <em> You don’t keep doing it again and again. </em> The devil also doubted, <em> feared </em>and bled red like the rest of the pathetic humans. Levi had seen it himself. </p><p>
  <em> But it doesn’t necessarily have to mean anything.   </em>
</p><p>“You now know this exists. You also found a man batshit crazy enough to revive it.” <em> and that should be enough for now. </em> Saving humanity can be something to work towards, day by day. “Mhmm.” Erwin agrees, seemingly out of the trance he was before. The candle was gone, so Levi didn’t have to look at him when he said, “And it’s beautiful.” <em> I hope he knows this is the most thank you he will get.  </em></p><p>“I’m glad you like it. It made me think of you.” It sometimes unnerved Levi for how easily he can say words like that. Levi remembered the image of his straight back on a horse, riding back to the gates, through the crowds after an expedition. The smell of rotten corpses rancid in the air. </p><p>
  <em> It makes me think of you too. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Now Levi wondered if that cup wasn’t as beloved to the king, would such an art exist? It was made more valuable because it was irreplaceable to begin with. Would it apply to the undesirables?</p><p>Maybe it was high strung of them to think of themselves as the last of humanity- too presumptuous- too pretentious.<em> I do miss the days of such naivety- </em> Levi chuckled to himself. Now the situation was too fucked up- too fucked up to stitch it together and save. Levi could see no remedies- Levi remembered the decades of atrocities- Levi could see no revolution that could get them out of this bind. Nothing that would stop more of needless bloodshed. <em> I wish this could be over </em> - He didn’t know what <em> his </em> - Zeke’s- plan was, his trust in Eren was also fading. The lives that were lost in saving him- <em> I have to also make sure they amounted to something </em>. The eyes he saw on Eren, he saw in Liberio were not of the boy he had seen eight years ago. </p><p>Maybe they were, maybe he just knew too much to overlook it now.</p><p>If he could, he would go back to when he wouldn’t have to think more than slashing titans, not be steeped in the sewage of politics- when the biggest of his concern was not be eaten alive- or if anyone dragged in mud- he wanted to not keep questioning his morals- values and aspirations with every step.\</p><p>Was there a future? A future without futile death- on either side. <em> I really wish this was over </em> - it sounded like a boring chant now, for how much repeated it. Still, he was needed. He would always be needed and he couldn’t even resent it. Though he pondered the meaningless of it all, he had to grit his teeth and do what he had signed up. His doubts and cynicism paled in comparison to the risk their people were in and he had a responsibility- he was still a soldier. Still, he had the luxury to deem it inconsequential- <em> to myself at least </em>.</p><p>There was also-<em> the vow </em>.</p><p>Levi found it comical- tragic- he didn’t know how he found it- whatever world they were living right then. What he did know was that nothing made sense- none of their endeavours were true to their cause. Their cause was futile.<em> But we still deserve the right to live </em>- and what he fought for was to retain that right- and bring justice to the memories their fallen had left behind. Ultimately it felt like fighting for sunlight in the underground- though everyone had the right to it- under destitution it was just in name. </p><p>Levi couldn’t stop wondering if Erwin were here, would he say something different. Could he put meaning in it all again or would he be just as lost. Or would he just revel in the fact that he finally got to know and find peace, no torment of this hell never reaching him ever again?</p><p>Levi sighed.<em> I really wish that I stopped thinking about a dead old man </em>.</p><p>But there too many things to he could peek into his mind and easily find-</p><p> </p><p>The unforgiving summer heat licked away at Levi’s damp skin. Humid- unmoving air aggravated the discomfort further. Both his and Erwin’s hair was matted- the silent pants were wet. <em> My throat is dry </em>, Levi concurred. They had been at it for hours.</p><p>“I’m starting to resent your stamina, Levi.” Erwin’s breathing was unsteady, faster.</p><p>“Then give up and go back to your desk, Old man.” Levi spit right back, feeling winded, just not as much as Erwin.</p><p>The goading worked- <em> not really- </em> but Erwin was back to lunging at him. He had the height- weight- power- size advantage on him but Levi always relied on speed and agility in fights. <em> Which made them mismatched opponents </em>. He easily dodged the attempt to a hold and blocked the following punch with arms crossed. </p><p>“That would be unbecoming of me as a superior.” Erwin said as he backed away, grabbed- held Levi’s legs to stop the kick from hitting him. Levi tsk’d- <em> fuck your superiority </em>- twisted his leg, somersaulted back on his feet.</p><p>Levi jumped up, tried a right feint into a clothesline but was caught. Erwin twisted his hand behind him and pulled him against his own body- flush against his front but couldn’t get a hold of the other hand before it was too late. Levi used his other hand to reach behind Erwin's neck, grabbing onto the other side of his head. If Erwin twisted his hands up further, Levi could snap his neck. <em> It’s a stalemate </em>. </p><p>“Going to give up yet?” Erwin flexed his hand holding Levi’s hand behind him, the pressure taunting and- comfortable. Though champion of the underground, Levi did have to accept at some point he lost to Erwin at brute strength. It didn’t mean he was a better fighter though, not by a long shot.</p><p>“If you’re tired you are free to go.” Levi dug his fingers further into his skin. The reddened crescent moons visible after he relented.</p><p>Erwin still wouldn’t let go- <em> it’s nice to actually take a breather </em> - even going as far as sliding an <em> unnecessary </em> arm around Levi’s waist to secure him further into the hold.</p><p>The distance between them-<em> however little </em> - was getting saturated with slow pants and yet- <em> you can’t really take your eyes off your opponent during a fight </em> - it had turned into a game of chicken. Levi’s chin dug into its place in the middle of Erwin’s chest, forced to look up in that position. Levi was sure Erwin’s defiant glare mirrored his own- <em> none of us would actually give in </em> . It did eventually come to an end with a nod from both sides, it was not a pleasant experience to cling to someone in this weather <em> . </em>They backed off. Then it repeated several times.</p><p>The tree provided a flimsy illusion of protection from the direct sunlight of the sweltering summer. They both had stripped down at one point, Erwin to his undershirt and Levi just letting off a few buttons and the cravat- <em> he burned easily </em>- to feel more of the breeze- which was absent. Just thick clammy air settled around them, like it would offer resistance if fought against and radiated heat unbearable enough to warrant an hour long soak. Erwin had picked such a day for a spar.</p><p>So, here they were. Countless blows later-<em> none bearing result </em> - Erwin was now tired. His attacks lacked the usual power and coordination. <em> I should put him out of his misery soon. </em> Levi evaded a lazy straight kick and lightly tapped the back of his knees for him to stumble and dealt a sharp punch to the solar plexus. Erwin groaned and held onto his stomach and tumbled down to his knees- <em> now stay there </em>- using another hand to keep him from falling over completely.</p><p>Levi gave him a few moments to catch his breath- not really finding it fun to kick an already down man around- and stood with his arms crossed in front of him. Erwin, however- looked up defiantly, one brow slightly cocked- corner of his lips lifted- <em> I just know he’s going to say something irritating </em>- and said, “Enjoying the higher vantage point?”</p><p><em> Let me wipe that smirk off your face </em> - Levi spun and used the momentum to kick the side of his face, finally getting Erwin to hit the floor. Levi hoped that he decided that was the ending blow <em> . </em>Both of them were too old to roll over in grass and get muddy in the summer.</p><p>“I don’t really see the point of hand to hand combat training in the Survey Corps.” Levi settled and walked towards a recovering Erwin- He rather preferred more work with the 3DMG- offered his hand for him to get up, “We are gonna be fighting titans anyways.” </p><p>Instead of accepting that kindness, Erwin pulled him by the wrist; Messed with balance to be able to push him down. Erwin now had him pinned to the ground, wrist locked in place over his head with an unforgiving grip. “You never know what the situation might call for.” He breathed close. It was close to impossible to push him off with just one hand<em> - </em>Levi didn’t struggle. Erwin, on his knees, leaned down further- the heat that his skin gave off was as unbearable as it was just a moment ago- maybe more.</p><p>The skewed sleeves of his undershirt, the smudge on his cheek- dirty wet hair and the victorious- <em> annoying </em> - grin left his vision as Erwin put his lips near his ears to whisper, “I couldn’t have scored myself a thug like you without these sweet <em> sweet </em>skills.”</p><p>Levi gripped the hairs on the back of his head- tightly- pulled on it sideways in retaliation. Erwin made a sound- he didn’t remember what kind. He was busy; nearly bent himself over in half to gain the momentum to kick Erwin’s thigh- just above his knees. His other leg wrapped around Erwin’s waist. A surprised and disoriented Erwin was no match for him- he flipped them over, straddling his hips.</p><p>Erwin wheezed- his back hit the ground with a thud- knocked out of his breath he still had a hold of Levi’s wrist. It kept balance- saved Levi from tipping backwards; He hadn’t really been able to straddle him properly- with one leg planted on the ground and one on Erwin’s chest. It was a precarious equilibrium of force- Levi’s heel still pressed on harder against Erwin’s throat.</p><p>The sudden rush of adrenaline settled- but not the pumping hot blood. “Levi-” Erwin exhaled- <em> shakily </em> . His skin was red- flushed from the fiery heat, clothes damp and grimey- he twisted his hand to intertwine with Levi’s. “Levi- we should go back inside.” There it was, a roundabout admission of defeat. <em> After what? Fucking hours of refusing to give up? </em> There were more important things- Levi knew, he could feel <em> what </em> he was sitting on- and he looked like he was asking- begging- <em> please </em> - with a nicked nose and hooded eyes under his feet. A gentle- large- hand slid up his thigh, fingers splayed- a thumb traced the bone of his hips- slowly- <em> softly </em> - yet it <em> burned. </em>More than the sun overhead. </p><p><em> It was such heat </em> - <em> the kind that seemed to manifest from within- it made him want to crawl out of his skin </em> - <em> to bare his neck- to- </em></p><p>He let the pressure off from Erwin’s throat- </p><p>To <em> satiate </em> it.</p><p>“Bath first.” </p><p> </p><p>It would take years, if he put his mind to it to cleanse himself of the evidence of existence Erwin left behind. In their room, the hearts of the soldiers, in their friends- in these- things- he couldn’t- didn’t want to forget despite the unease, the oh so familiar weight on his chest they brought along.</p><p>It was funny, how they never questioned who they were. They were Erwin and Levi. Squad leader- commander of the Survey corps. Thug from the underground- humanity’s greatest. Not for once had they stopped and questioned if a word could describe the push and pull, the reassuring caresses, the nights not spoken of and comfort found in the most unusual of situations. Comrades? Friends? Companions?<em> Lovers? </em></p><p>It was too naive a word. Too optimistic. Something kids could believe in to find momentary happiness. It let them dream. In their age they were past creating make believe fantasies, too tired of the world to pretend. Their dreams were so vastly different, from the starry eyes kids-<em> whom Levi didn’t envy </em> - and from each other. The thing was, they understood the other’s dreams in a way no one else could, no one else would support. <em> Confidants </em>- would be a fitting word.</p><p>Such confidants that would not put it past them to<em> use </em> each other to reach their endgames. No matter how fowl an action others deemed it be- that was what they were. Erwin wanted his wings and he wanted Erwin to be his anchor.</p><p>Letting Erwin go had meant forsaking the rest of humanity- <em> and his lynchpin </em> - it was what it meant back then. It was what stained Levi’s conscience, and made people wonder what if. <em> If Erwin were here we would- if Erwin were here he’d know- only if you had let him- </em></p><p>But Levi knew why he made that decision, he knew the fickleness of life. He found solace in the fact that the man he decided to kill on that roof that day was-<em> a dreamless man </em> , he had made peace with it before he rode into that battlefield. If there wasn’t such a choice in his hands they would have to accept it nonetheless. They had gotten close to it so many times- it could have happened any of those times and they wouldn’t have the luxury to make a choice- <em> for him to give up on his dream beforehand </em>- too many of the chances they had already used up their luck on-</p><p> </p><p>Levi had found himself thoroughly spent- the night another expedition came up empty handed- but the carts were full. Levi- worn out- sagged against the wooden chair he was occupying- still was in full gear. The other side of the room was empty. </p><p>Erwin was stuck with some post-expedition shit Levi couldn’t care about right then. He was <em> pissed </em> . He had only been able to shed his shoes and jacket outside because no amount of distraction would let him walk in with such <em> filth. </em> He was now waiting, for what- <em> whom </em>- exactly he didn’t know. Maybe for his body to finally listen to him and get ready for bed. It had been a long week.</p><p>“Did you show your back to a physician?” Levi didn’t hear the lock open, or footsteps but there he was- back, at the door. He seemed to have showered already too. Fresh- regular clothes and wet hair- Levi felt a scowl surface on his face as soon as he saw his worried face. The pain- now that he remembered- had dulled already.</p><p>“It’s just a muscle pull.” Levi felt too tired. <em> I don’t need your shitty concern right now </em>. Levi kicked himself up to stand, walked towards his bed. Hand already reaching towards the clasps that held the belts around him. “It should still be looked at. Let me help you get out of your gear.” Erwin closed the door behind him. Levi sounded stubborn in his admission, trying to unclasp the ones on his lower back. “I can do it myself.” Levi winced.</p><p>Erwin was behind him now- Levi sighed- in frustration, felt a hand cupping his shoulders, “You don’t need to, don’t move too much.” Levi shrugged him off, “I don’t need you fucking help.”</p><p>Erwin wasn’t deterred, he instead pulled gently on his arm, to coax him- <em> please look at me </em>- and asked, “What’s up Levi?</p><p>But it only served to make Levi irritated- enraged- further, “I should be asking <em> you </em> that.” He spit. Erwin seemed confused- <em> this fucker doesn’t even </em> - Levi crowded him as much as his height allowed him, jabbed a finger on his chest- <em> accusatively </em> - and questioned, “Do you think the expeditions are suicide missions? If you are so eager for death just tell me I’ll be sure to give you a <em> quick and painless </em> one.” </p><p>It was dark but Levi had no trouble seeing realization dawn on his face, he opened his mouth, he stuttered, “Levi-” but was quickly shut down, “Is the corps supposed to run around like headless chicks, during <em> this </em> time?” There was so much confusion, the unrest, uncertainty. Erwin in no way could undermine his vitality. If we lost him- <em> Who would I follow? </em></p><p>Levi could almost find himself back there, could see Erwin lunging at the two recruits rather than the running abnormal, “Levi, I had to make quick decisions, on the spot.” -Could see it <em> get him- </em> It wasn’t clear if Levi heard; He looked through Erwin, eyes glossing over like he was <em> living it </em>again, “Just jumping into a situation like that-”</p><p>Erwin put a hand over his heart, “It’s my job to protect-” Levi slapped it away- <em> stop spouting bullshit you don’t believe </em> - he was angry, he was frustrated, “No it’s not! you are supposed to <em> lead </em>.” </p><p>Erwin was silent, for a while. He was thinking before saying the next thing, “Levi, are you saying other people's lives are expendable compared to mine?” The calm tone only added to Levi’s fury-<em> Knowing what you are doing gets easier year by year Erwin </em>- </p><p>He could feel the ire festering, he gritted his teeth nonetheless, “You know what I meant you piece of shit, don’t twist my words.” He could yell, complain and express his disapproval but he did understand. Levi would’ve done the same thing if he had seen it first. It was probably something any soldier would do, if they saw two scared people they’d want to save them- in a split second decision- it’d come as second nature.<em> I know he isn’t a martyr, he doesn’t believe in self sacrifice </em> . <em> For any soldier it gradually becomes instinct </em> - But Erwin wasn’t any soldier, he was supposed to be <em> better </em> . What burned Levi’s throat is that he had to stand here for a second- he had to feel fear- <em> and he could’ve been a second too late </em> - “I had to step in, I had <em> no other choice </em> .” Erwin said, calmly and Levi- <em> saw red </em>.</p><p>“YOU HAD ME MOTHERFUCKER.” He yelled-<em> cried out </em> - at his face, hand fisted the collar of his shirt. He knew his breathing was uneven, body strung up. <em> I was just a shout away- I was faster- I was less- important. </em> “I was right there, you just needed to give me a <em> command, </em> you’re the <em> Commander </em> , act like one!” <em> You could’ve trusted me to save them instead of risking yourself. </em> That moment, that moment he could see the titan grab at Erwin- <em> in slow motion </em> - and he almost imagined Erwin in a body bag- <em> or not part of him left at all </em> - and that was something he couldn’t accept. It was so, so probable but still- <em> I </em> - <em> we can’t lose him </em>.</p><p>Levi suddenly felt defeated, utterly defeated because he knew there wasn’t any logic to why he was bitter, why he was lashing out because he <em> understood </em> all of it- he knew <em> why </em> and <em> how </em> exactly Erwin thought that out and- yet; Levi sagged and rested his forehead on Erwin’s chest; he whispered something he knew Erwin already acknowledged, “The survey corps needs you.”  And I-</p><p>“Levi-” His hands slid down his back, placating- steadying- grounding him- he said, “Levi, I’m here now, okay?” <em> Yes. </em> He felt the warmth and he felt the soft thudding of his heart- he was here- he was still here. His voice was soothing, low- comforting- and he moved both his hand over his back- on his waist- appeasing the wound up tension and he continued reassuring him, “I know what my role is, you do too. You killed that titan before it hurt anyone without being told to, didn’t you?”- <em> I could’ve been late- It was too close a call </em> - “We are safe, we saved two more lives.” The- <em> ultimately we should be grateful for that </em>- was silent. </p><p>Erwin took his hand, “But I promise I will try to think better next time.” He squeezed and smiled down at him, “I’m still in one piece.” and he let him stay right there, like that, and just <em> breathe </em>.</p><p>Levi looked up and said-<em> warned </em> - in all seriousness, “Next time you pull a stunt like that I’ll break your arm. You can just sit at your desk and write strategy plans with one hand while we’re out.” Erwin was- <em> amused </em>, Levi deepened his scowl to that- he didn’t seem to mind that too. His fingers walked the belt on Levi’s lower back, he hummed, “Mhmm, can I help you get out of these really filthy clothes now?”</p><p>Levi winced, finally remembering how he had held off getting clean. It now itched- prickled his skin like pins. He nodded and Erwin slowly started unclasping and tugging with experienced hands. Levi felt glad for the fact that he didn’t have to stand without support and do it himself- he wasn’t sure he could. Now that he was relaxed, his back did throb- there could be a muscle tear- and the tiredness seeped into his bones.</p><p> </p><p>His shirt was unbuttoned- with gentle, efficient-<em> experienced-</em> fingers. He slid the shirt off his shoulder and let it join the gear on the ground, caressed the bad shoulder softly. I’m so sleepy- Levi’s exhaustion had really caught up to him. Erwin sat him down on the chair. He crouched down in front of him to start removing his socks. Instead he tugged on one leg of his pants, “Your pants are ripped- here. Did you get scratched? He hiked the fabric up while Levi answered, “I don’t know.” Now that he paid attention, he can feel pin-pricks of pain on his shin. Erwin shook his head at the wound, “I’m surprised you haven’t disinfected it right away.”</p><p>Levi seemed to get highly alert all of a sudden and offhandedly commented while trying to get up, “I was preoccupied.” He had to get the first aid box- <em> quick </em>. Erwin stopped him, getting up to get the box himself from Levi’s bedside drawer. He then came back to his crouching position in front of Levi, “No- let me.”</p><p>Levi tsk’d, “You can’t do it properly.” But didn’t resist as Erwin took a hold of his leg, braced his feet on him and hiked his pants up to his thigh. He placed the opened box beside him and looked up, “I have to know how to take care of my best soldier, can’t be a good for nothing commander.” <em> -Someday I’m gonna punch you cocky grin in and I won’t regret it </em> - Levi let him continue. He dotted alcohol on the matted blood, rubbed softly against the stubborn coagulation and said, “Getting off on looking down at me, Levi?” - <em> Yeah, I won’t regret it one bit </em>.</p><p>Levi let his head lean back, closed his eyes, only felt warm hands working his leg, the cold of alcohol and burning of his skin. He didn’t quite notice when the cleaning was done and when he was bandaged, he didn’t care to put too much attention and he was close to drifting off. Then he felt fingers running- barely there- up and down his calf and he looked down. He had none of Erwin’s attention-<em> and all of it too </em> . Thumbs dug into the sore flesh of his feet, palm smoothed over his ankle. Levi let him continue his care- <em> worship. </em> He felt breaths tickling against his naked skin, the tip of his nose followed his veins.</p><p>Levi moved his feet, hooked it and touched his ear with his toes, inner ankle pressed into his jaw. Erwin pressed his cheek further to him- a mellow- fond glint in his eyes. Levi cocked his head to the side, “You treat all your soldiers like this, commander?”</p><p>The answer was a kiss pressed over his dressing, “As I said- only the best one.”</p><p> </p><p>The title humanity’s greatest made Levi bitter, and made Levi laugh.</p><p>What he was, was the best out the rebel that flew the highest- out and beyond the cage humanity had laid out for them, to save humanity <em> from them </em>.</p><p>Since he was born, Levi kept discovering worlds he could never imagine before. Outside the room of that room that smelled of death- above the ground that never saw sunlight- beyond the wall that caged freedom- now the whole of humanity that existed across the sea. Levi doubted if he had still seen it all. He seemed to have been proved wrong every single time.</p><p>His intuition said no. He didn’t even wish for more. Levi didn’t only have his age to blame.</p><p>The wanderlust that bred the desire for freedom ultimately meant humans would always want to see- hear-<em> know </em>more than they were allowed to. To roam around, even on barren land because the ability to do so tasted better on their tongues. It was aimless, neverending. Such an idea had given him thrill but now it gnawed at him like impatience. Is it because humans would rather be free than content- safe? </p><p>Or was it because everyone was desperately searching for something no one knew how to look for?</p><p>Levi found his worldview skewed ever since the basement. <em> We had created our morals- our hopes- our ambitions and laid down our sacrifices ultimately for humanity </em> . To know, none of it were true, you can’t save something that was never at risk to begin with. Turned out humanity was still as it was before, even bettering itself. <em> They weren’t just invited to any of it. </em></p><p>Still it didn’t mean that they should bend to the world’s wishes. If he- himself had listened to every person who had said- <em> go and die at a corner brat </em> - he’d be dead a hundred times over. He never bent to anyone’s wishes all his life and that wouldn’t change. Ever since he knew how to retaliate he never stopped. It did make Levi wonder nonetheless, <em> when </em> would be he able to stop?</p><p>For these four years, he kept questioning himself. For what- for whom he fought? After watching people-<em> people that hated him </em>- but normal people nonetheless screaming in despair under rubble he couldn’t stop questioning himself. </p><p>Would it be better not to?</p><p>But that brought a question with it too, would that prove the lives of his comrades were lost for naught? Ultimately did it mean they were the casualties of a fruitless endeavour? He had heeded him- <em> give up on your dreams and die- for what he hadn’t asked back </em> - Levi couldn’t accept that to be purposeless. <em> But if that were to be the truth, it wouldn’t be my choice. </em></p><p>
  <em> Everybody had to be drunk on something to keep going-  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I’m so sober it’s not even funny. </em>
</p><p>Erwin would make better sense of such dilemmas. Erwin would know how to tangle it- even if he didn’t want to. Erwin could tell him what he should get drunk on and Erwin would also carry his drunk self through mistakes- mishaps and shoulder the liabilities that it came with. Erwin- <em> was not here </em>.</p><p>
  <em> I set him free- myself. I let him rest but- who would let me? </em>
</p><p>As long as he was the strongest soldier he had a duty towards those who were not. He couldn’t ask for selfish requests, and there was nobody who would grant it. That was the truth of his world. He would have to give meaning to the lives that were lost for this cause, what the fuck <em> this </em> was. <em>Because I'm still alive when they aren't</em>. He could still move, he could still fight, he still had- Hange- the kids- people to protect.</p><p>Zeke rested peacefully just a few walls away from him. <em> Wait just a little longer Erwin- </em></p><p> </p><p>He still had a promise to keep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Feedback is really appreciated (yes i cry reading comments) and if you wanna see me tweet "eruri height difference" every hour my twt is @unholychilde come say hi</p></blockquote></div></div>
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